Who Can Say

          Recently in a google+ group the question "What do you deserve?" was posed.  While attempting to answer, and failing miserably.  This word deserve itself was in my way. The notion that anyone, thing, or even divinity has the right to judge another, abhorrent to my mind.  Even allowing for the notion of omnipotent, present, omniscient there would be no place for deserved.  Immediate ideas of who is judging, how can this question even be contemplated without so much more qualifying information. Yet we use these concepts regularly, putting ourselves on one side or the other of some arbitrary line drawn by people usually long gone, with no bearing on current experience.   Even our sense of identity does not easily lend itself to this sort of black and white judgement. The narrative being constantly reworked, re-imagined, new meaning being attached to events long gone.  Those with eidetic, or more commonly photographic memory, when looking back are not able to experience the events as they originally did. Remembering itself becomes the experience, so the events are filtered through the current conception of self, not felt as they originally occurred.  In a very real sense the self we identify as, never existed, and never will, it's a story a way of framing the identity we are currently projecting.  How many current identities do you actually have? How many labels are attached to your sense of self? Are you a mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, employee, employer, artist, the list is as endless, and we are almost always acting as multiples of these all the time. Which might be forefront may change as we move through time/space/energy. Generally when we think of ourselves it's in a static imagining of an unchanging timeless being, we discount or do not recognize our relative change of self from one day to the next. The gradual nature is much like that of the frog in water with the temperature slowly rising. We discount the effects others have had on our conception of self, or the effects we have had on others self identification.
       Even when ideas of reincarnation or karma are taken into consideration, a dualism such as deserve lacks continuity.  These conceptions are from my perspective a opening of the idea of identity though it is an expansion of the ego, not a taming or elimination of.  In a creation of underlying unity the lines between self and other are not so clear. Our sense of independence is dependent upon that which we claim is not representative of  self, an other to be not us.  This leads to an interesting contradiction of unity, and division, the lines being drawn through identification. That which we identify as not self often have greater impact on our conception of self, than those we accept as self.  Tricks of perception, relative motions, much akin to the red shift, blue shift of stars.
      The collapse of space/time/energy into relativity to the ever changing moment of singularity, where the Three become one. Love, and Hate never oppose each other, Peace does not gird itself preparing for War, these states are only linked through the those that experience both. Love and Hate find their opposition in indifference.

Jack
aka
PanseyBard 

Peter Pan Advice

          That I would be labeled as suffering from a peter pan complex I'd imagine would come as little surprise to anyone who has taken a passing glance at my blog, or met me.  Much of the time the same folks that would say I have never grown up often also bitch about me pointing out logical fallacies in their decision making process. Our cultural ideas of adulthood, and the expected path for development are in my opinion not just flawed, but counter productive to my development as not a human, who knows how long I'll be one. It's my development as a whole being, of the mind learning to be master of emotional, and physical being.  Not devoid of emotional content, or physical desires, this only leads to repression, and usually uncontrolled outbursts.  The ability to think clearly becomes clouded as another energy center takes over for the duration.  What is mature, or adult, who decided on the ideals?
         Rites of Passage might be developmentally some of the most important events a self aware being can experience.  Being acknowledged by the public as having transitioned from one group to another, or one phase of life to another.  Cultures through out recorded history have used these ceremonial events. They mark the death, and rebirth a phoenix moment in an individuals life. It actually causes a person to think of themselves differently, as well as be viewed by the wider world differently.  Most of what we think of as reality, is a mental overlay, it is and is not real.  Most of the systems of human centered survival, are high levels of energetic organization. Meaning they would suffer greatly from effects of entropy if not tended.  From ideas of community, to finance, education, governance, the list is almost endless. I'm not saying these are not real, I'm saying we made them up, their reality relies on our acceptance of them as meaningful, and applicable.  These ceremonial events filled with ritual, and formal meaning mark an acceptance of the veracity of these institutions, and the ideas they hold.  These would be fine if the patterning, the indoctrination they presented was reflective of greater reality, for me that answer has been no. Only that what these do is not teach, it's indoctrinate into a system that for me holds very little value.  Before I get bogged down in the pitfalls of the US, the effect of the ceremony itself is what I am getting at.  What we think of as self, our idea of ego identification is altered in dramatic ways by participation in these events.  In altering the way the individual, and greater reality labels the individual. After a certain point in the system an individual must set aside their own ideas, and thoughts to represent the ideas held by the established order. This is mind control, or shaping, mentoring, the differences being of method, and intention. With each ceremony the individual is invested a bit more into the system that offered the accolade, it creates ready defenders regardless of the logic of the position held. This is an amazing strategy, it co-ops opposition, as well as shuts down rational thought or dialog. It is the same one used often by royalty in taking control by making nobles of another country to invested to oppose. Creating defenders out what would normally be adversaries.
        Take a moment, and watch the movie hook, even peter pan was lured by playing pirate, and only by becoming peter pan once again was able to save what really mattered, the children. Not just his, but the lost boys too. It's never to late to become a kid again!

Jack
aka
PanseyBard 

Living a Shadow Life

            A little over a year ago what was left of my top teeth were pulled.  After the healing time and 2 sets of digital dentures I gave up on dentures entirely.  While others seemingly have no issues with them, and some even rave. For me they are not a viable option, the constant gagging, and salivating, combine with the constant reminder of being incomplete physically.  Suffice it to say, it's been at least 6 months since I have even taken a look at the dentures.  In many ways this is fine, no one even seems to notice, and as long as I'm a bit careful about what I chose to eat, and the relief from continuous infections, and pain is nice change of pace.  There is little actual recovery, physically sure I'm in better health than I have been in at least 10 years or more.  Recovery as most are aware is more than physical. When my teeth began to crumble away, yes that is how it happened for me, never tried meth, but mountain dew mouth as it's called sure makes it look like I did.  When my left eye tooth split like it was layered veneer and the front half sloughed off, my sense of self shifted.  Even though my physical appearance has rarely been of great import to me, having rotten broken teeth, or now no top teeth at all is pushing the limits for me.  To be fair I had already become for the most part a hermit, out of a sense of self preservation more than anything else. The ideas, drives, passions others chase have for the most part to me seemed trivial at best, and nightmares or worse.  That never stopped me from being social,  Now even though I am healthy, and lost a bunch of weight just from becoming more active, and changing up my diet a little.  People comment how I look great, and all I want to do is run, I understand the change they are seeing, it just doesn't register the same for me as for them.  It's an odd betwixt and between feeling, as implants would be the next choice, though if your a bit forward looking, you might be aware of the research with stem cells, and lasers. Already full regrowth in lab conditions on rats has been achieved, so getting implants might be detrimental to being able to take advantage of a procedure that may only be 5 years or so out.  As I have been writing this, what keeps coming to my mind is feeling broken, of only being partially functional even though it is only a slight impairment. The island of misfit toys keeps flashing through my mind, an odd state of being.

Jack
aka
PanseyBard 

Currency for Living

        I'm going to be talking mostly from the perspective of being a resident of the United States, most of my explanations will apply with a few name changes to almost every nation. Money makes the world go round, not true obviously, but also tough to argue with as it certainly seems to spin the human world.  Going without currency is to an extent impossible if you live in a modern nation. we are paid, sometimes even forced to get special accounts just to receive the fruits of our labor. Why given the facts of how much impact money, and finance has on our everyday experience it's a wonder hardly anyone seems to understand it, or even have any desire to.  The boons of an abstract store of value, a thing that represents all other things in potential can not be understated, and would have to make it to any list of ideas that changed the world. Having a representational system of value has without a doubt opened up trade, allowed for specialization at unprecedented levels.  That does not mean our current system will continue as is, nor does it mean our current system is infallible.  There has been much made about how contrived our markets are, with not price discovery, but manipulation at work as the rule.  As a world we live in a debt based system, consolidation of resources, and money as a thing.  Money as thing is fine, if the money is a thing, ours is figures on a screen or pieces of paper, with the majority of it only coming into being when it is created with interest attached by private parties.  This makes for different classes of money, easy to understand if all money is debt, the money created with a lower interest rate attached would have more value than that created with a higher rate.  This interest on the creation of money sets in place a organized crime like skim, where the percentage of interest charged is stolen right off the top.  All while zero risk, as your product is needed by everyone, yet does not exist till you sell it to them.  Many will now be saying that I am ignoring the reserve requirements.  These might have been a restraint at one time, with zero interest and the presses on full blast, meeting the requirements is an after the fact event.
        How might we change this?  Issuing currency is and must remain with the sovereign, be it a nation, or municipality what have you.  In order for the money to not take over, it must be maintained as a service to the nation by the nation.  The US must issue it's own currency the credit agencies, and private banks would have to adhere to a full reserve requirement.  This would eliminate the infinite growth mythology, and allow for expansion and contraction of the currency supply based on the needs to facilitate the exchange of goods and services.  Isn't that what representational money is about?  Making it as simple as possible for an individual to exchange what they have, for what they need?
      In fairness the US monetary system never stood a chance, with even our history being rewritten to leave our money as a prime motivating factor for the revolution.  Some even goes so far as to make a case that Hamilton, our first secretary of the treasury was an agent for international banking interests. As interesting as history can be, the who did what who, or he said she said game will not do a thing to change the present.  Like all technology, money is a thing most do not wish to spend time thinking about. We just want it to work, ours doesn't, was not planned to, and we are in the world change over of global trade settlement.  If there was intent to work our system as intended the bail out would have been in public works projects. Where those with the least are put to work by the government to make improvements everyone will benefit from. This allows the currency to enter at the bottom, and trickle it's way up through the full economic structure.  What we have done is cut out the middle and bottom, injecting the currency almost at the top. Combined with interest rates kept artificially low, that currency has no choice but to enter into speculative markets just to find a return. This only adds distortion to the overall economic data.
     We can make money the tool it is intended to be, or we can be little more than economic servants to those who understand it's tricks. The choice is always ours.

Jack
aka
PanseyBard  

Love, Life, and Liberty the Lies We Tell

           Those without prior exposure to the insanity I  call a blog, or the drivel that comes rushing out my fingertips when the flow moves me are warned now. What proceeds is a work of the mind, it has little to do with the conceptions of everyday existence most cling to.  I ask no forgiveness, nor do I apologize, I am warning.  This type of thinking is detrimental for some, it sets up questions of mind that can not reasonably be answered while within the experience we call life.  This is a logic play, if you do not understand when to draw your own lines between reality, and fantasy than please just refrain from reading any further.  If you have strong religious convictions likely this will only serve to irritate you, or cause to you question your faith.  If that is so, your the one questioning, not me, so leave me out of it.
           From my perspective, which is all I really have, and is in itself something changing constantly. We, and by we I mean every thing in the universe, creation, whatever you call it, is in a state of delusion.  That the only way we can be having this experience of life, of being real is through clinging to several delusions.  These are in no particular order, they seemingly change order of importance as functions of each other.  That we exist at all, with the energy to matter conversion equation we learned that there is no such thing as what we think of as matter. That energy can not be destroyed or created it can only be transformed.  This sets up an interesting dilemma, as there can only be energy, and energy needs a transmission medium, which according to this can not exist, other than as a conditional state of the energy itself.  The concept of our lack of reality has been expressed many times in many ways. From the dream within a dream idea, or the matrix, this conception our own non existence is expressed.  The second delusion is that we exist as individuals. There is no place where anything stops, and anything starts. What we think of as our seemingly solid bodies with continuity are in reality a constantly shifting mass of energy, much like a storm appears to us. The third delusion is we are the center of all things. This one even for those that have been able to accept the ideas of the first two often reject.  My own sense of I, finds this fact to be most humorous, and exactly as it should be.  That we perceive as if we were the center of all things is not really up for debate. Our sense of self stems for the idea we are a body, that we look out from our eyes. That our senses interpret what for us is reality. This is such an amazing state of being, it can not be celebrated enough. That you are the one sitting at the center of creation, even if it's only from your perspective such a cool trick of relativity it becomes overlooked. As if it couldn't possibly any other way, this isn't so, as nde, obe, remote viewing, channeling and the like lead to the conception your point of perception is not permanently attached to what we think of as our physical body.
          An oddity in the ideas of reincarnation, through ego attachment we seem to get many people who due to feeling powerless now project themselves forward, and backward through time to be powerful people somewhere, or sometime else.  It is seemingly rare for people to consider that if there is a linear progression of reincarnation, where have new people come from?  As well as how few consider the idea they might have been Hitler, Stalin, Nero, these figures from history that are viewed as evil, or corrupt, or just plain insane.  The flip to this is those who end up in the messianic complex, they rarely actually consider the price those who represented this energy, or personality complex had to pay.  If as our latest equations point to, and spiritual traditions predating recorded history state, that this is eternal, that we always are.  Well eternity is just that, we would have nothing to do, no place to go, other than in relative senses, and we have forever to get there. I am now all I will ever be, even if it's from your perspective not in evidence.
        If someone has a world view that completely accounts for, and encompasses yours, plus adds in others in a larger framework. While theirs is not necessarily accurate, it is likely more accurate than yours. An hour, day, or year are not measurements of time, they are measures of movement, a measurement of rate of motion, or rate of change.  No one on the planet has ever been in the same place twice, even in their own room, or bed. Change the rate of motion, and change the experience of time. I am not me, never was never will be, I am merely reflections of all things I have encountered, The existence of what is seemingly other, is what helps define what I am.

Jack
aka
PanseyBard     

Self Styled Slacker

         I am a slacker, what does that mean?  

slack·er

ˈslakər/

noun

informal

1. a person who avoids work or effort.

   synonyms:

   layabout, idler, shirker, malingerer, sluggard, laggard; More

   • US

     a person who evades military service.
   • NORTH AMERICAN

     a young person (especially in the 1990s) of a subculture characterized by apathy and aimlessness

   
   

I avoid anything I think of as work, or anything I view as being wholly stupid.  Not to say I am not productive, or that I never act in a manor that can be rightly called stupid.  I wasn't always a slacker, and to be fair, I have adopted the term as it's easier to cultivate that view in people than being honest.  In many ways the self adoption of the term is not unlike any other person taking a slight, and using it.  That does not mean I am unable to use that trick of detachment, and see how from others perspectives I do exactly that.  

      From my own view, work is not required, work is something people feel they have to do out of a sense of obligation.  What that obligation is up for debate, it is slightly different for everyone.  Generally coming from lessons taught in childhood, either intentionally or through osmosis, just absorbing what everyone around them says, and does in relation to "money".  That is what it pretty much always comes to, the majority work because they feel it's the only way to get money, and they feel they need money in order to survive.  Some have gotten to a point where the idea of what survival looks like, might be extravagant. That isn't overly important, it's the idea of have to work to survive.  I've never felt that way, and though the hows have changed, the intent has remained fairly constant for about 30 years now.  I'm not even saying I haven't been employed, the what is less important as the how I feel about the what. I mean I had a job at gas station for 5 or so years, it was an exchange, I didn't feel like it was work, with the only time I felt taken advantage of was when being asked to fix a computer as a cashier.  Let me explain this a bit, I covered fri, sat, sun, from 1pm, till midnight, on my own from 5pm on, was allowed to sit and read. My friends would hang out, even had this beautiful woman that would come have dinner sometimes.  It was for me a nice break, and forced me to stay social in the physical world. On my time I was playing Everquest 50+ hours a week, so being in a high profile position where I was forced to interact with people was needed.

      There is seemingly an expected life path, birth, school, job, spouse, kids, death.  Well I do not remember getting the choice of being born, and if I had a say you'd have to question my sanity from the get go. For the first x odd years they tell you, your job is to learn, than they proceed to cram you full of garbage that has very little to do with learning, and an awful lot with Pavlovian conditioning. While I love learning, everyone, and thing teaches me all the time, I do not yet remember a day I didn't learn something.  School as it turns out, was not really about learning, oh sure there are some foundational aspects, the reading, writing, arithmetic. Along with some introduction to higher concepts.  For the most part my experience of school was about the next school, or job you were going to get. When I stopped going, end of junior year, it was there wasn't much left to learn there, and the piece of paper did not mean anyone had learned a thing.  The fact that people were getting degrees essentially handed to them based on who their parents were, or how skilled an athlete they were.  Made the piece of paper meaningless to me, as well as setting up a disdain for those who put faith in them. This doesn't even account for the ideas of diminishing returns being applied, or the shrinking need for a labor pool due to automation. They say that nearly 3/4 of the american population lives paycheck to paycheck, with around 60% being one missed check from the street.  How well is our system working?  In the writings of the founders of America, not the United States, they are different. They wrote about our times right now, not in dates, and prophetic announcements. Nah, they didn't need to go through all that, at the times of their writings they were already being forced to, or had just broken from, an outside agency printing their currency at interest.  They already saw jobs as wage slavery, The idea that future generations would end up homeless due to compounding interest on currency creation in private hands was not, and is not esoteric. Given this perspective the idea of "working" for a "living" loses it's appeal at least in my eyes. 

       For me a flip side to the slacker lifestyle is this, only once you have leisure time do you begin to contemplate.  When your life is about survival, or chasing the next big thing, there is little space for the what if's, the scent of flowers. Often there isn't even room for friends, and family, usually the very ones purportedly being worked so hard to benefit are lost in the daily shuffle, grinding out the next dollar. Or perhaps for some it is the ego identification with a title that gives meaning to their existence. Having lost count long ago of the number of times people have talked to me in the capacity of clerk, and told me I was wasting, or under utilizing my abilities. How can this possibly be? I have no pedigree so to speak, would feel the endorsement as a burden, not a blessing. Strange it feels as if I am becoming, or have been the ultimate con person, convincing everyone I am something, while always being something else.

       Tied into this are the ideas of the rites of passage, ceremonial markings of the transitions through the accepted phases of life. Having not personally finished the school portion, I'm still a kid, with most I encounter recognizing me as such, within the context of western society.  I have done many of the so called mystery traditions indoctrination's, intentionally or just as an outcropping of the exploration.  In the extreme other people have attempted to foist all sorts of labels, or titles onto me, in order to make it ok for them to relate to me as I am.  Having been called everything from cult leader, to guru, asshole, st. germaine, or sanada, a reincarnation of a grey that crashed at roswell, to being told you are as the buddha, or a child of satan. There is an odd thing my slacker life of leisure and contemplation has taught me, at a certain point it doesn't matter what is and isn't true. Even when it comes to ideas of what we may or may not represent as spiritual beings.  That sure you might have genetic predispositions, with the cellular memory, and that is all well and good.  When you get to most abstract connections to all things, it's simply a matter of accepting that all things are connected to all things. Once you are able to see yourself as, than you are.

Jack

aka

PanseyBard

Labels, Labels, Everywhere!

          Labels, we all seem to love to identify, classify, organize, like collectively we are OCD. We make all sorts of systems to enable us to make connections, to make sure everything is as it should be.  Should is of course a key word, as it points to a trap of perspective. We look out on the world seemingly from a point of isolation, we categorize, included, or exclude based on a framework we rarely if ever question.  The very notion we are human is a boarder, a boundary, it isolates us from feeling a sense of connection to the world we inhabit.  As we have self identified as being different, or other, we have become exactly that.  If I am Jack, and you are not Jack, there is no choice for me but treat you as less important than Jack.  When self is identified as merely a differentiated portion of a greater tapestry, a thread in a fabric the universe, multiverse, god, whatever label works for you. At this point, other becomes self, self becomes other, with the juxtaposition being merely a trick of perception.  As all of our experience is a trick of perception. from our senses being equivalent to input/output devices.  These are all finely tuned to pick up certain frequency ranges, we are than given the framework to make sense, everything around us informs us of what it is, much like a function call in object oriented programming.  We in turn broadcast what we are, and what we expect everything else to be.
        In some teachings of what has been called the fall. When the angels we driven from heaven, where they were driven to was the abyss, the chaos or all potential. Kinda what we think of as space, that perfect balance on the Planck scale that we witness as empty.  Into this nothing, the hierarchy of angels imposed order, bringing into form worlds for themselves to inhabit. Our world is just one of many, The impressing of form on formless is a recurring theme in every tradition, crossing into fundamentals of physics. At the core these are attempting to explain what is essentially a tendency, much like the morphogenic fields expressed in the ideas of Sheldrake. Does this mean we can make up whatever want, mold, and shape as we see fit. In a way yes, in other ways no, it sets up a feedback loop. Where we are created, and creator, our own acceptance of there being other gives the other the power to imprint their conception of us, and how we exist in relation to their conception of self.  As we see the world is how the world presents itself to us, as we are incapable of seeing in any other way.

We make it up as we go along, and cling to it like it's our life raft, some to the point of violent reaction to anything that might alter a world view. We seem to continually look for an out, a way to keep our self importance, our place as the center of all creation, I am the center of my own universe, in that way I am the center of all things, everything radiates out from me, I shape by, and in return am shaped by all things.  I've often said I am as I am because no one else was willing to be me, an odd notion, but not far from the truth. The people around me push me into being portions of self they know exist but are unwilling to express for themselves, for what ever reason.  It does not make me anything of these things, except in relation to that which perceives me as such. What the I is that seems to lurk in, around and through me, you and everything. Well that you have to come to on your own, in your own way. My way is very personal, tied to metaphor, and the logic of chaos, coupled to life long exposure to the logic externalized, to become cold, crunching big data in quantum environment where space/time/energy functions of each other. Be aware, or be awareness itself, devoid of attachment to that observed. The world becomes a much different place.

Jack
aka
PanseyBard    

Life Under Glass

        The I represented by the identity Jack Baldwin is a fiction, it's a costume I don in order to have influence in this world. Based on actions known and unknown people lend me their influence, This is pretty well known among folks using the net, it's the idea of endorsing someone on linkdin. People will endorse people for anything, before getting rid of my linkdin account I was seemingly capable of outstanding feats in the professional sphere.  Even in the twitter verse the labels fly willy nilly, I've made lists from MBA's to UX designer, to web developer.  Truth be told, I have been attempting to find my place in the world. You know the one, that thing everyone is supposed to have, where they become engrossed, and content. That life we are supposedly born to live, the perfect job, spouse, house. That place where life can flow by in a blur, while we are busy living it.  Does such a thing even exist for all of us?  When broken down, most of these perfect things are the same I've actively avoided for one reason or another.  If we all are free to choose, if freewill is the rule, how can there be a singular life that will fulfill a person?  Don't I have to choose the life that I will be fulfilled by?
What is that perfect job?  When I hear words of work, career, business, the connotation is not one of pleasure and joy, even labors of love hit the wall, reach the point of diminishing returns, where the effort required to improve becomes as great as the effort it took to achieve the current skill. The idea of work is an odd one, people sold on the premise of effort, or labor when the ideals of production is to off load as much labor and cost as possible while keeping profits at their maximum. I've had lots of jobs, they all were just that, job done out of a feeling of need, or lack. There has never been that feeling of excitement attached to work. Even in areas where it's a hobby or play that transitions into being compensated, once it's for pay it's not play anymore. It becomes a thing having to be done in order to survive, or in order to do other things.  For me I guess that is what work represents, and why I am so resistant to being a worker.  The view of work as being something you do in order to be able to do something else.  What is and isn't productive is an odd thing, when it comes down to it, if the everything is energy, and energy can not be destroyed or created, how can we be said to be doing more than moving stuff around?
       Of course for many love relationships are the all consuming passion of life. Finding that special someone, falling in love, raising a family.  Except, is there really this romantic notion of love, what even is love?  Does the acts involved in the continuation of species, or procreation really have all that much to do with what we generally equate with the mating rituals, or romance?  Having rejected religious notions of marriage, right along with the civil notions of registering the relationship with the state. Like being open, caring and sharing with a person isn't tough enough, it's seemingly the custom across the board to bring the expectations of god, the state, and family members into new relationships.  Really do we need religion peeking over our shoulders while grope hot and heavy, or fumble with a zipper or button?  When I saw you, it wasn't your personality that made me look twice, your education didn't lock my gaze to your swaying hips. It wasn't thoughts of love, it was some serious animal attraction, lust. You know those things many are embarrassed to cop too, that it's tits, or asses, or feet, or whatever our fetish is. The person you are might captivate my attention for a time, but I am complete unto myself,  For me it's about getting lost in how amazing another is, of communion, That feeling that you can not be right for someone else, till your right with yourself. Experience has smacked around a bit, when it comes to this one. Seems the biological drives dovetail really well with the psycho-social conditioning, with my ideology leaving much to be desired from the ideals set forth. In other words I've been single a long time, not out of lack of opportunity, just out of risk versus reward evaluations.
       I guess when you've set your own life as not overly important in fabric of human development, while railing against the prevailing ideological foundation of matter being preeminent, finding those spaces that suit you can be challenging. Answering those questions, of what is this about, why are we here, where are we going.  If existence is a school, we all fail, there is no passing grade,  If it's an illusion we make up as we go along, if we all exist in our own private Idaho, why are there all these assholes in my dream world? If this is a shared experience, a subjective collective, why are we creating so much drama, and suffering? Sure you can only go as high as you've gone low, might have merit, but we just have to be aware of the potential, we do not have to experience every little pit trap.

As ever make up your own mind
Jack
aka
PanseyBard

My So Called Self

        How does one define self, without using anything external?  Even the idea of being a human, is just an idea made up by another human. Everything we think we are is based on ideas people that came before us imparted to us.  When I look at myself in relation to the society I exist in, my values are hardly represented.  If I use the metrics of success I've been taught are important, career, the right house, spouse and accessories that tell the world how great my life is.  Looking at myself from there I can be nothing other than a failure, someone with all the abilities, and lacking in any semblance of self control, or productive direction.  I spend much of my time in contemplation, day dreaming, playing mind games with myself, and sometimes those around me.  Did you know you cause people to flee your presence just by talking, by playing with concepts that push the limits of what a person thinks of as reality, a person can literally be made physically ill.  Almost like the scene in the Matrix, you can push people mental, or emotional boundaries till they run away.  Sometimes I feel a bit guilty about playing with people in that way. I'm even aware, I often come across like I'm dictating, stating as fact things it is impossible to prove.  I've never had a problem with considering or holding ideas that are not my own. To cross back and forth between what is, and what could be, without it becoming has to be. Almost being an actor, the total surrender of self into a concept, the idea of not self.
      People often ask ridiculous questions of each other with impossible expectations, that require lies and deception. Assurances of continuity that were never real, security blankets of smoke and mirrors. Chasing fictions, giving self over cults of personality, no matter the guise they were secular, or religious.  In my rejection of temporal not as insignificant, but acknowledged as being transitory, as well as subjective. I have seemingly rejected self, this is fairly close, I have labeled any conception of self as dependent on the experience desired.  So the self becomes a delusional extension of space/time/energy itself. As if creation itself has developed multiple personality disorder, which if all things are one, might not as far an explanation as any other.

Jack
aka
PanseyBard 

Personal, Transpersonal. Inside, Outside

         How I see creation is for most a bit odd, even people I interact with on a regular basis would likely say label as marching to my own drummer.  For me, creation, god, whatever label works for you, is interactive, it comes to you as your able to accept. As direct, or indirect, you are it's only concern, and you do not matter at all. You and it form a seamless whole, nothing of you is ever lost, though what form that takes is constantly changing.  Wrapped up in this perceptual modal is complete trust in creation, though the delusional nature of self is another matter.  The experience of reality becomes one of constant guidance, one where the odd connections that only have meaning to you jump out, with regularity. Revealing patterns of development, portions of self forgotten or discarded for whatever reason pop into view.  It is this idea I think of as personal/transpersonal the space where every person, everything, is or contains a message meant only for you, that only you will see from your unique place.  The world essentially beings to scream your name, beckoning you on to some greater future, as if everyone in the world is just waiting for you.  Often called a messianic complex, for good reason.  The sense of personal well being is profound, all of creation is seemingly conspiring to ensure your experience is wonderful. Cosmic tumblers seemingly align, allowing you to dance right on through life. In the positive a person takes on roles of service, and moves into what has been called bliss, nirvana, many names. It can also lead to extremely antisocial acts of violence and lashing out.  When all of creation is giving information, some are unable to maintain a distance between self, other, message, messenger.  The ego identification takes on mythic proportions, the cult of personality eats away, the individual might actually start to believe their own hype so to speak.  The flip side to this of course is to completely discount the needs, or desires of the self, to deny the individual self all together, as just a blur in the smear of humanity through time.
       Are there messages being told just to you?
Of course, you are the central character in your experience.
Those messages are generally of a personal nature,
don't confuse the message, what you take from something
and the messenger, the person, place or thing, that triggered that cascade of bio-electric/bio-chemical events that you experienced.

Jack
aka
PanseyBard
      

Sellout, the American Dream

     Seemingly everyone wants to be rich, and famous, or at least rich.  Who can blame them, the idea translates to access to everything we imagine as part of the good life, of success. Everything we are taught to strive for. Even in a system that was designed to be sustainable, chasing material wealth seems short sighted,  You quickly run into the diminishing returns wall, where your giving up what you started out to gain. So even given a system designed to be a measure of contribution, there would be a point where it would become counter productive.  In our currency, or finance system, it is a very different thing. It is contrived, designed to give the illusion of free market, while masking a back end control. It isn't even about being able to skim, and create money out of nothing, that is just how it's done. It's about being able to retain the influence, ensuring their vision of the future comes to pass. There is something to be said for the idea of a world governing body, I am less than thrilled at cast of characters that have been working to bring it about.  It seems to be a who's who list of how to enslave the masses crowd.
       There is lies my personal issue with being a monetary success in our current system. When the system itself is the cheat, doing well within it, is an endorsement of that system, by default.
People always complain about wanting to make more money, but they don't do anything to actually make money.  When I hear someone say it, I always tell them, become a creditor, you get to make up a product that never exists, you don't even sell it, you loan it, with a nice return.  Your even able to front end your profit, and write off any potential losses. In our system, with money having been made a commodity you literally can make the creation of money you work. It is not a functional system for long, but it does allow for some interesting manipulations. I'm about access, not ownership, equitable distribution, backed by the ideas of shared equity, of leaving things better than you found them, even if it's in small ways.  Stuff becomes a burden, an anchor, or chains. our phantom wealth is just about illusions for the delusional.

Jack
aka
PanseyBard

The Law of Thelema

Pretty much anyone who does even a cursory study of the occult teachings will at some point come across Alistair Crowley. The self proclaimed "wickedest man in the world". I don't know about all that, sure he was in to, and became hooked on some substances, performed dubious rituals, and pretty much lived a life of debauchery. There are many conspiracy theories surrounding him, from being grandfather to Barbra Bush, to well frankly everything. In some circles he is said to be responsible for much of what we think of as the shadowy aspects of our current experience.  For me, what he did or did not do, and who he did it with rarely are of import.  I do not concern myself as often with the human, as much as with the ideas they are presenting.  Lets face it, he's just a character from a story, For me I came to his works through the Golden Dawn, having poured through the works of Mathers, and  Waite, Before that Crowley had been a boogy man of sorts. Used in songs, and stories, as a symbol. The beauty contained his words, and imagery for me are always at odds with the depiction of him.  For a short time he was even inadvertently my protector from beyond the grave.  In my mid 20's when I was in major experimental, experiential exploration, A friend and I rented an apartment, the guy's name was Charlie, nice guy. Even sat down to talk "metaphysics" with us. As soon as I mentioned AC as one of my influences, Charlie's demeanor flipped, like he hadn't seen me till that moment, and what he saw was scary.  I find this hysterical, sure I have the potential to be violent, ever thing with choice has that potential. It's that I've never been an aggressive person, and am far from physically imposing. Poor Charlie, we were essentially pirates, or sharks, and he had just cut himself and dangled his wrist in the water.  There was no malice, and no violence, we just realized we would be able to push him past reason, or at least I did. Not sure how much of our rent we skipped out on, at least a few months.   The book of the law, aside from the well known, "love is the law. love under will, do what thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law" has so much interesting prophetic information, trigger words, phrases, a bit like the fire letters of the book of Enoch. There is of course the warnings right in it to not study, likely a wise caution, as only madness lies within, regardless of it's validity.  Once I had logically ripped apart the proclaimed law of the age of Horus, finding it as sound a guide for actions in the world as any. Though horribly misused, and abused, the words twisted up, the spirit evicted. Very much as I see the majority of the world, the information is everywhere, hardly anyone sees it, or takes the time to make sense of it, We are more concerned with the letter of the law, than the spirit. We ask if it's legal, not if it's moral, or appropriate. than we wonder why the world is seemingly in a state of semi controlled chaos.
         In Zoroastrianism arguably one of the origins for monotheistic traditions, on the positive side is a partnership with Ahura Mazda combining the creative, and destructive principals into one, with the choice being in the individual. This is the same ideas repeated in almost every tradition before and after, If it's been laid out in a more simplified version, than Thelema, at least till adherents get hold of it, and talk about it. These are personal relationships with what is, or isn't, and that's the point, No one can tell anyone else what is right for them. Spirit, divinity, demons, fey, whatever comes to each of us, as we are able to accept it, how we are able to accept it.  The experience of it, the relationship to it, is deeply personal, we can share it as we like. Ultimately each of us changes our relationship to what is, while what is, just is.
       The law of Thelma may or may not be a part of the dawning of the new age, if there isn't a new age being spawned every moment. It for sure is a pretty simple guideline, that would keep most people out the worst pitfalls in life. If it doesn't feel like love to you, don't do it, how you understand love is another matter. I'm not a follower or joiner, I'm a loner, hardly ever lonely, but isolated even in a crowed. It suits me, I keep my own counsel even when I'm sharing in others ideas, or delights. If I'm honest I find Crowley interesting as a person, with fascinating perspectives. While feeling he was a child in the notions of wicked, playing, not being wicked. There is a twisted delight in the stripping away of innocence, and what is innocent in the stream of eternity? just another idea to impart meaning, give structure to the void. To stop the screaming long enough to take a breath. An aspect of Thelema with personal significance is that of rejection of the physical world. A fundamental position of being at odds with the experience itself. That is a sentiment I can well get behind, not suicidal, but fucking pissed off. Never feeling this world can be enough, no matter what is a pale comparison to the dissolution of the vast nothing.  That eventually all the phantoms are cast off, the lovers union is perfected and all that remains is the after glow, the release of all tension, all stress, all expectation..  

Jack
aka
PanseyBard

Inside Out, Upside Down, Ass Backwards!

       I've always thought of myself as a relatively intelligent person. Even while what was seemingly to me the rest of the world was screaming I was doing bad, or was a loser in this aspect or that. When I was doing things I knew my mother would freak out, and possibly through misplaced sense of attempting to protect me from myself had me in legal entanglements I'd likely still be dealing with. I just hid those things as best I could. Which was not that tough, my relationship with my mother, while I feel is in a good place, many have called a bit distant.  Truth be told, all of my relationships are only so close. I have actively worked to disentangle myself from any relationship that acted as a constriction on the concept of who, or what I am.  No one knows what I am, or for that matter what they are, when I bump up against someone that is insistent on defining me, and has expectations based on them projecting what they think I should be, or should do. I had rejected the motivations, and even the pretenses behind them at a very early age.  Not out of a sense of rebellion, I just like to hang out, listen to music, smoke some herb, and play with ideas.  So far all my life I've insisted I am not more intelligent than anyone else, not that I think of myself as stupid. Quite the contrary, I see myself as capable of doing, learning, and being anything I choose to be. I just understand that everyone else is the same way, People around me have consistently told me, I was smarter than the average bear. This is still a projection, and after a point it doesn't matter if it's true or accurate, or even how I feel about it.  As a person I will do what I can to fulfill the expectations placed upon me by those around me.  Add in mind expanding chemicals taken in quantity as an informal spiritual exploration, personal experimentation. Shake vigorously, and wait.  I still reject much of the fundamental premise of what is thought of as western materialist world view. That view of creation, that consciousness stems from matter, that we are looking for a fundamental particle, a unified field theory equation.  That we are still looking for proof that something continues after what we call physical death,  Zero is a concept, it is no where reflected in what we experience here. The so called vacuum of space, is still a relative state.  The scale of background, of the fabric of we call space/time is so far removed from us in scale it's conceptual. We have no tools that can show, or measure things at Planck scale. We can do so many things, but in our desire to validate our experience as physical beings, we tear at the fabric of creation itself.  Attempting to find a particle that imparts mass is in my understanding about the ultimate fools errand.  Energy equals mass * the speed of light squared, the energy to mater conversion formula. So commonly known, so little considered in implication. Of what this implies about the nature of what we are, and what this shared experience is.  The blessing and curse, of the binary, or ac/dc electric experience.  To find a particle in creation where everything is energy, is a matter of containment. Release the energy, and the mass is imparted with breaking of that containment.  Kind like breaking one layer of the onion into another, or breaking one layer inside a nesting doll.
       My understanding of reality is there is no place where anything starts, and anything stops. In order for me, you, everything to even be having this experience of individuality. We have to be at our core delusional.  That there can ever be self, in a state of singularity, Or that there can be anything that is other. Do not mistake this for some existential crisis, been there done that, I love the delusion, it's a small part of a delicious subtext to what we think of as life, or reality or whatever. There is an understanding that everything external is a representation of something internal. For me this is evident everywhere I focus attention. I dropped out of the world, took a few years, to sever most ties, became a hermit to digest, process and fill in enough blanks in my personal data base, or learn to tune myself to what it was I wished to express.  It is my rejection of my own reality, and in reflection I do not see myself reflected in the world. I've become absent in my own life, a blank canvas. This is also intentional, I am not so overly fond what has been made of paradise.  As much as I enjoy so many aspects, the beauty, the polarity, the spin, the game. Being able to alter experience through just thought, and through influence alter others experience, and have everyone insist they made free will choices is amazing, and disturbing.  I am at core a generous person, often taken advantage of with my eyes wide open, just because I wanted to give the person a chance to make a different choice.  So while those around me try and get theirs, I try to give mine away, to anyone that will take it. When I reject money, it's not the concept of currency, or the tracking of resources I am in opposition to. I have an issue with a system intentionally designed to be scam, to implode due to structural features, called such as there is no chance they were accidental.  I am all for the ideas of equity, value added, open source. Where investment is rewarded, risk is real, not offloaded immediately, or hedged against. Our systems of global trade settlement with the dollar as it's backbone are in essence a cheat a scam, a ponzi scheme. I spent much effort on being as little a part of this system as I could, to where my expenses are pretty minimalist. Not that I do not enjoy the finer things, it's the strings that come attached to every dollhair spent on those trappings is my endorsement of that system.
         I'm a fucked up mass of contradictions, that often make sense only to me, I'm ok with that

Jack
aka
PanseyBard

The Wheels on the World Go Round

           When I was born the world was spinning, when I was conceived it was spinning. When every human heart, at least as we think of it, has stopped beating the world will just keep on spinning.  While many have pointed out, the planet we exist upon like parasites, and claim as a birthright, which when you think of it is kinda like claiming rights to the flesh of your parent. A bit sick and twisted I know, that is my point.  The degree to which we have become disconnected from nature is staggering.  We have decided we are the pinnacle of evolution, in many ways our maturation as a species, our ability not to subdue, or destroy. Our ability to adapt, to encompass, and allow space for, where we finally get the point, that often doing nothing, and being observant is the answer.  That in allowing the world around you to guide you to the win/win.
         I live in Sedona Arizona, beautiful tourist area, also new age mecca, that is kinda cool, kinda not.  It for sure is a highly charged place, as much to do with the geology, high iron oxide heightening the effect. Another aspect is this area has traditionally been a ceremonial space, people didn't really live here till recently.  For most of my time in the Verde Valley, I stayed to the edges, not in Sedona itself.  For me I happen to agree with the elders, this place is a place of vision questing, and finding connection with self, and spirit.  For the past three or so years I've been living on one of the oldest inhabited spots in West Sedona, the views from this spot are amazing.  The property has original red rock out buildings, and red rock patio, and grill built in.  The plot I'm on has at it's peak a cistern, it's all sealed up now, but I go up there sometimes just to think.  When I was up there, I started looking at the property as whole, In my mind I started to see with the cistern functional, and being allowed to flow water through the property, guided through alcoves, ya know nicely landscape with plenty of places to relax and like.  In among these spots would be bridges, and water wheels. The water wheels would power the system as well as provide extra. combined with some solar, and thermal this place is an energy provider to the local area.  The property behind this one, which is also part of a larger plot, that was sub divided for use, and has had the lease situation just change, was a sand and gravel place. It's been dug up and filled so many times.  I noticed they had brought in a bunch of shipping containers, and poof, bury them as part of the down slope, use them as the frame work for a little underground bread and breakfast type place, as well as housing some of the power generation systems that would be best shielded.  This would make this spot lovely again, it's been allowed to decay.  This was about 5 min drift in my minds eye while I was watching a hawk or falcon circle, it kinda shifted my own minds eye view, to see it almost like a localized topography map in my mind.
    I'm not saying that is The answer for this property, just one that for me strikes that balance, it remains productive, might even be considered more so, as well as gets a face lift in the direction of it's natural state.
If we slow down we might not have so many accidents, besides where do we think we are going?

Jack
aka
PanseyBard    

Warden Cliff explained, Power Generation made simple.

      There are several posts rattling around me, when they stack up like this, they become insistent to be recorded. Almost as if they have concerns with being forgotten, an odd notion when applied to ideas.  So because of that, they are going to come out raw, as they are coming to me, in the flow of moment. The idea speaking through me as it is able to, so that it is reflected as to how I understand it, not a certain limitation of, or insistence on completeness, or even that I am right.
     Many know of the Name Tesla, at least a bit, perhaps even having heard of a Tesla coil. While I have entertained great ideas using coils and the like to set up effective perpetual motion, with no violation of entropy.  The key in that being effective, if the earth stops spinning, we either die, or won't be here in our current form.  While this toroidal shapes, are great, they make complex what is one of the simplest things possible. Giving shape, to create a pathway to guide flow of substance. In other words, create a differential in energy potential, and than exploit it. Or recognize where, and when those already occur, and place your self to take advantage of them.
     The earth is a giant electric dynamo, a huge electric motor, with the creation of electromagnetic fields that go along.  We exist within and between these fields, they have been called many things, from dragon lines, to lay lines, to the meridians of the earth. The names change, the name of the study of them changes. There is an above, and below aspect, with one grid being roughly 60 feet above the earth, and one 60 feet below.  What Tesla was up to, was exploiting this, he put collectors, than created the path of least resistance, to a point on the earths surface. Setting up essentially an huge ac capacitor. This would fire on it's own timing, once you have this you can change the frequency. He was pumping it into the ground, to piggy back on the Schumann resonance in order to provide free electricity for anyone, anywhere, with just sticking a stake into the ground, using what is needed, and grounding the excess back into the earth.  There is much more information on this particular subject, but for me, the important part is the understanding of creating essentially a pressure difference, and exploiting it for power generation.  With the rise of slow release capacitors, it is now possible to take the flash of solar energy at sunrise, and set, where our panels are normally getting over charged with lots of waste. Quick charge the slow release capacitors, and slowly use that charge through the day, or night to steadily charge the system.
    I have a few projects of what is through of as free energy generation, though it's really just self energy generation, which has become frowned upon in the US.

off for now
Jack
aka
PanseyBard 

How to Kill the Rabbit, and Live to Tell the Tail!

       To be perfectly clear, and up front, what follows for many will seem madness, and that is to be expected. Being raised in a culture that prizes logical order, the structure of binary, of code, and cryptography. The mindscape of symbol, metaphor, trans possessive personal, where you are so vain you do think all the songs are about you. Yet you know for certain, no one knows who you are, nor is there any reason for them to.  If you haven't already been baffled by the psychobabble bullshit I have already slung, than feel free to tag along as I lay out a little of the slaying of my own white rabbit.
       Hindsight as they say is 20/20 a blatant misrepresentation if there ever was for a truism. Evidence supports the closer to the events the recounting of the event is, the more accurate that recounting is.  Hindsight in ones own life is a bit different affair, that odd paradox of observing ones self from multiple perspectives, or camera angles, lending creative license to almost endless reimagining of the events, known to have taken place. As easy as a shift in background, a snappy change of speech, alteration of wardrobe, and voila a story everyone knows, yet no one can say it happened. At least not quite the way it's been written, so when I say all the songs, stories, hymns, condemnations, recriminations, desecrations, are about me. It's not an ego aggrandizement, it's a learned response to being projected on my entire life. To be fair, it's a wonderful game, to be the secret unknown object of all attention, regardless of intent, or purpose, solely due to coming to the acceptance of the interconnectedness of all things as a given. Or at least that sounds good in theory, in practice the experience has been quite different.  I am not religious, dogmatic devotion to any belief for me leaves no room for growth, no chance new. It's a place of stagnation, due to entropy, as the saying goes, once you stop growing you start dying. While it offers continuity, it can lead to being trapped in time. As the dwindling numbers of all the throwback anti progress faith make plain, stagnation is demise. I think of it more as, once you close the circle, it's an egg, and eggs, hatch, or get broken, or rot, but they do not stay eggs. Oddly, the trick, and it is a trick, is dissociative, that ability to completely discount personal identity, to the point where you suck in identity from all around. For children at play, it's just imagination, put that is encouraged to be set aside for more practical pursuits.  All while this world is driven by the imaginations of a seeming select few who are recognized as such, and encouraged, to bring forth their vision for the sake of everyone,  The proverbial, hey kid you wanna be a star?  I remember the first time that happened to me, at least sort of, I was to young to approached directly, so it was relayed through my mother.  We lived in socal, San Diego area, mom asked me if I would be interested in doing commercials, because someone had approached her, but that the choice was mine.  I said no, it sounded alot like work to me, and frankly I was already a slacker, doing what I wanted, not what was expected. By 5th grade, a major turning point for my life, I had played center halfback in state level soccer tournament, plucked out of normal classes, identified as gifted with dyslexia, and add. While being a latch key kid from kindergarten, being raised by single mother. Was there other family, and people around sure, I was not isolated by any means. I was self reliant, I had responsibilities, even when I abused them.  I was for the most part put in charge of myself, or took charge of myself, from as early as I can remember. This of course would set up some nasty confrontations with my mother later in life, though those too are all just part of the story. The fictionalized narrative of identity, used to single me out from the herd of humanity.
       Till about the age of 16 or so, I on a decent enough track for a classic underachiever, I did well in the subjects that interested me, and got by in the ones that didn't. Often it had less to do with subject matter, and more to do with presentation.  I had always been interested in being social, so when I dropped out of school, the jobs I looked for were ones with high levels of social interaction. Mainly retail, quickly in management of course, up to running stores. Often up to nefarious purpose, like working at gfox in the danbury fair mall, getting moved to domestics from the loading dock, a couple of friends and I pretty much ran it, our superior just checking in, and occasionally taking us to count license plates. When we were not given the raise promised, we picked black friday to walk out, they kind of caved, but how could an anchor store in the biggest mall in  New England at least at the time, allow itself to be held hostage by 3, 17 or 18 year old kids.  Of course they broke us up, not fired, just moved us around. For me it was domestics, I told the HR woman, she might as well fire me, that I would not work in domestics. She ignored me, so I spent next few months sneaking out a back door, and playing video games, or whatever, and sneaking back in. It was just how I rolled, no matter how pleasant or nice or smooth talking, or whatever someone might seem. That does not preclude them screwing you over, especially when they flat out tell you they are going to, that does not take a genius to understand. Once in what for me was the perfect spot of the moment, running a new and used video game store, on the edge of a district far from the home office. I hired folks like me, or that were ok with my style, we had code, like "who wants to take out the trash" and yes we took out the trash, and while doing so we took a few hits off a bowl. When we had to do title by title inventories once a month, I made it an event, a party. The store thrived to where Toy's R US invoked a non-competition clause in it's lease to force a location change, leading to my breaking the relationship with the company.  This was not a tough choice at all, for while working there I pretty much stumbled into being a connection for pot, at the time just commercial brick, There was never an intention to do so, I was earning enough so I could plan ahead in my own habits, so they were less of a distraction, no one likes being out of their drug of choice, whatever it might, yoga, prayer, exercise, heroin, all alter body chemistry, changing the physiological state, which alters the perception, and experience, and interaction with the world. This idea can be taken all the way to anything your body is not self producing being in essence a drug, ridiculous in the extreme I know, but who's definitions are these?
        We tend to gravitate toward friends that have proclivities at least in some ways like our own, so of course I had stoner friends. I wouldn't even go to job interviews if I wasn't stoned, I wanted to be sure no one would think anything of me being high at work. Did it so well, the only time anyone said anything was when I wasn't stoned, because that was the odd behavior from their perspective, and for me, stoned was the normal.  When you have some, people will ask for it, and being friends, and it being pot, of course you share, that kind of sharing grows rapidly. Especially if your good at keeping of the numbers. I was full on fronted, a lb to start, at a stupid high price really, but the prices were already so outrageous, I literally undercut em by half. A quarter dropped from 60 to 30, in short order it was tough to even leave the house, and when I wanted to take a vacation, or even go for a weekend, rewarding someone a friend, or housemate was well worth it. At one point, a full client base was just transferred over to me, as the woman was worried about her child being taken if she was arrested. For me the budding pot empire, in a sleepy corner of southern CT, allowed free time, to play, and explore. Having been recently introduced to lsd, and loving the effects, I quickly poured through altered states of consciousness teachings from channeled sources, to Castenada, to Leary, Dass, and the like, on to Kabbalah, tarot, Crowley. I still have some of what for me the most influential texts, but from an intuitive, as well as logical perspective, and they mesh quite nicely. The crazy out of nowhere nature of quantum, intuition, and the logic for why that is exactly how things do function seem a matter of, duh, and like I'm the only one that hasn't figured it out, as seemingly everywhere I turn, the symbols that help shape, mold me are everywhere telling me things.  Things not for me, but for everyone, though few see them as even connected. All the lsd, over the course of about a year and half, lots of days popping a 10 strip to fry in meditation for hours, upon hours. If it made sense to use words to communicate, I felt I did not get far enough from everyday consciousness states,  I didn't just want to know, I had to know. I had judged the world, as being unworthy of my presence, without even understanding that was what I was doing.  I screamed at whatever was there, because I knew there had to be something, and if there wasn't, than it didn't matter anyway.  "IF THIS IS ALL THERE IS TO THIS PLACE THAN I WANT NO PART OF IT". Holy crap, when you do that with neural pathways jammed open due to heavy lsd use, other things notice. When you are sincere in your desire to not be here, death answers, whatever that means for you. All the while, maintaining a committed relationship, being asked to be the father of someone elses child, Playing sitter for the spun out kids that were having bad trips. Providing space for almost anyone that was approached me as a friend, until they showed me otherwise. Than crashing back to earth for on the one side being weary of getting to deep, and the woman I loved at the time insisting if I didn't give up the life we were done.  None of this caused me the distress, that the contradictory programming of entertainment, versus practicality, or security if you will.  Drugs are bad, but how many stars in every field has altered how they see the world.  Education and Institutionalization, merging in my life before my eyes, and me a lover of information, trapped between a need to consume data, while not becoming it.  Take it right to my edge, look back at myself, laugh, and allow myself to fall backwards into the abyss. I was taught at 18, there isn't always someone to catch you, or at least not always the person you expected.  My love for being in the company of women extended to no care for my personal style. Generally dressing for comfort, and event are good enough for me, I did however understand very well, that if I didn't care about what I wore, that didn't mean others wouldn't. Making friends with a few differing fashion style females not a problem in a mall, getting them to pick out clothing they feel you look good in, also not a problem. Than you just pick a style, put on the costume, and allow that woman's style attract other women that share it.  Being adaptable, or having that element of theater in all aspects of life. A life itself becomes a show, being put on by you, for who knows, and at that point you almost have no choice but to choose amusement of self, until your directed otherwise by an authority you recognize, whatever that maybe, there are things that get your body dead faster than it's ability to repair. The limitation is not of body, it is of the individual, and is different for everyone. It could be a mental block, or an emotional imbalance, out of control growth, in the case of cancers, is generally pointing to a out of control growth in another area of life. When you are told your show is now considered illegal, immoral, and just plain wrong. You quit all drugs, go sober for 10 years, have people who see auras tell you your grey, and wait to die. When that is happening, and simultaneously your being told, things like. A detective that investigated a theft from a giant gas station that employed me briefly, "you might be the smartest person I've ever interviewed", or being told by a psychologist who is actively writing text books by request, "you might be the most balanced person I've ever met".  Just a few highlights of the complete contradiction between the perception people have of me that know me, and the rejection of the life I've lived that has allowed me to be me.  So sure, I have not gone screaming from the rooftops look at me, I don't need the aggravation, because regardless of if it's praise, or condemnation, it's yours not mine. I'm fucked up enough on my own to need any help in labeling me crazy.  I have a head full of books, movies, songs, tears, exultations, murder, and mayhem, going across at least 27000 or so years. I only recall a smattering of any portion of it in any given moment, but it comes in a torrent when I allow it to unfold back out in it's own way, and time.  So sure, I have spent much of my life around the edges, it was the space I could find that could accommodate me, I break eggs, sometimes they are thrown at the front doors of a church that has just been painted. Other times it's my own limited conception of existence. I've never thought of myself as smart, everyone else keeps telling me I am, no matter how much protest, yet I pride myself on being able to reason, even through the muck and mire of twisted complex emotional yuck. Does that make me smart, or just insane, does it even matter?
I've finally gotten to the point, I'm good with my life being a condemned, While I love being the person I am, fictional character and all. What it took for me, I would not wish on anyone else, and would do what I could to prevent it needing to be as traumatic.

Jack
aka
PanseyBard

Kodi Media Center

Just a quick run down on a little throw together media center/server I was able to throw together.

The monitor is one I had already, 24" samsung, with an audio 3.5mm out, hdmi, vga, and dvi inputs. It's been a good monitor, had it hooked to a mini pc, that I have lent to a housemate who's computer died. I keep warning them about unground outlets, and feedback into the electronics.  The speaker is an ihome, I picked it up at goodwill, had no ac adaptor, but I had one laying around from an old speaker system that was a nice match by specs and tip. Think this might be a fun set up to play with an old projector, and making my own screens. When I have a little spare currency I'll have to look at the goodwill site, and locally to see what I can come up with.

 I'm not much of an apple fan, it's not that they do not make quality products, it's that they are really not made for someone like myself. The I life is a bit more conducive to the tech being background, not a part of the fun.

 The tower is a slimline emachine, amd 64 bit, with only 2 gigs of ram, might upgrade the ram to 4, but really I'm not asking much of this machine, and I like that it's relatively low power consumption, and lower rpm fan system do not give off near the emf of high end system/ It was strangely enough as if brand new coming out the box, who ever had it before must have wiped before leaving it behind.  I still did a fresh install of win 7. The language pack updates are still by far the most time consuming of the process. Setting up Kodi is pretty simple, there are many tutorials online for specific options or settings.
This is all set up with dnla sharing, so it will stream all over the houses network.  As for control, below is my tablet, with the Yatse app that can link to any machine running Kodi providing it's been configured to allow for it.
All told this was a 7 doll hair set up for me, and I had been debating on turning my Raspberry Pi b+ into one. This is better solution all around, and allows me to push the Pi as either a twitter nanny bot, or look into setting it up a pirate box.

Jack
aka
PanseyBard

If I accept your lies about me will you go away?

In an attempt to share more of me, rather than the concepts I entertain. Today I'm going to cover some common misconceptions I've noticed people have about me.

I am not as nice a person as people seem to think I am. When I've had jobs they have been mostly service type, even when working freelance, it's been tech work, and consulting.  It's not that I am any nicer or any less nice than anyone else.  I'm fulfilling the role you encountered me in, as long as you do not step outside your role in relation to me, everything is hunky dory. Step out of the boundaries laid out by the nature of our encounter, and I will tell you to go fuck yourself.

I do not care about material existence, This one is almost true, though so far off base, as to be laughable. There is no matter for my to be concerned with, things exist multi-dimensionally, and they are physical unto their own realm of expression. kinda how solids interact with solids, or liquids interact with liquids. With all of it subject to relative motions, and energy/matter conversion.

My use of the appellation PanseyBard is some how indicative of sexual orientation. This was an e-mail I registered to use with a character created in Everquest.  The characters name was/is, Nuviel, picked from the words novus, and el. A mixing of languages, meaning new god. That character was a 5 year span of playing 40+ hours a week. It became a consuming addiction to being somewhere other than I found my physical being. That character became one of the top Bards in the game, spending much of it's time on a server called legends, a special ruleset server, for those who wanted more out of the game.  I am a heterosexual male, even when I imagine myself in a sexual encounter with a male, it is an odd feeling of not being true to self.

That social media is important to me.  This one cracks me up, From my perspective most social media has become marketing tools.  I am not fond of marketing, as I feel good ideas have no need to be sold.  Before I ever began to use social media, I had a plan, and understood it as tool in that plan, not the ends in itself.  Twitter is a prime example, I have 4 accounts, not that I wanted 4 accounts, was happy with one. Only I was growing the account faster than twitter identifies as the norm, When an account was suspended for playing the f4f game the twitter promo groups have going. I made another in order to figure out what I was doing wrong and right given the venue, and goals I had in mind.  When I got the 3rd account suspended in under 3 hours for getting to many followers to quickly, or what they call aggressive following tactics I started to get a handle on the automatic systems in twitter. What the groups were about, and why I seemingly did not fit in.  I backed almost completely off social media for a few years, Mostly due to being shoved out, seemingly due to not being willing to click the buttons for cash. Again, I never cared about twitter, it was about exposure.

A small group was reading my blog regularly, and felt many of the ideas had merit, so I was looking to reach out an allow others into my madness.

The 4th account was for play, and fun solely, as it's pretty much only for pornstars, cam girls, strippers, ya know, the bad girls we all wish would take us home, or come home with us, even if it's only for the night or weekend.  

That I am an arrogant know it all bastard!  ok that one is often true. It is something I work on daily to be as accepting of my own foibles as I am of others. Oddly it's that I do not feel I know anything, and am open to any spirit that has the answer showing it to me, or speaking through me to deliver it that sets up this oddity.

That I wish to be a star, I am already a rock star, always have been. Do not look for me in your deck of cards, I am not now, nor have I ever been in there. Unless your seeing me in every card. Wanna go quantum? how about for a magic ride into the nethersphere, or the spaces between spaces. I can be that lens for you to find your connection. I am not it, only the clear lens that allows you to see you.

I do not love you

I do not hate you

I do not know you

I was told my whole life the choices I made were bad, or wrong, and it took me till now, to finally get back to the self I lost in the love of women, and the programmed ideas of family, and personal development.  What I am left with for the masses, is a big fuck you. If you do not like my words do not read them. If you find me offensive at times, that is likely the response I was going for.

Yes I am so whacked out, I often program people real time, think you have freewill, come for a visit, and I will show you the error of your perception. Think the world is flat, or solid, or round, or God is this or that, those are labels, made by, and for humans.

Who am I, What am I?,

How about Where am I, When am I

I am what I desire to be, the identity labels foisted upon are not me.

Think a free person can be a citizen?

Free people owe no allegiance to anyone other than self.

Citizens owe allegiance to the state they are citizens of.

You do the math

PanseyBard.... Pan say, Bard get it?

aka Jack

be the Lorax, and can someone please find that statue, and take it back where it belongs 

Tommy! Archetype for the Electric Kool Aid Initiation

      A couple of days ago, I hacked together an entertainment setup, from an old tube tv, a 3d blu-ray player with internet apps, and a directv remote I found to control it all. I plan on adding in a digital to analog converter box, and a homemade powered antenna, as the resources to do so become available. I began playing movies I hadn't seen since for at least 20 years or so, The great rock'n'roll swindle, and Tommy were among my selections for that first day's use.  Tommy in particular stood as having been completely misunderstood by myself, and seemingly most of the people I know who have watched it.  With the majority labeling dismissively as a rock opera, with little meaning beyond the entertainment value. Having come to the realization that entertainment has never been about enjoyment per se, but more about passing on cultural understanding and wisdom passed through the ages.  I was still in for a disconcerting surprise upon watching Tommy from my current perspective. What I was not prepared for was, the dramatization of what myself and others have experienced in our everyday lives.  The movie itself is an adaptation of the initiation rituals of the mystery traditions, skewed toward the inclusion of LSD as a catalyzing agent.
    Having first being exposed to Tommy as a child, pretty sure it was 3rd grade. It's message was lost on my, the effect of the movie for me than was one of feeling protective of those who were unable to protect themselves.  This was personified in a brief scene where a lovely girl is about to be shot, and Tommy shows up to alter the encounter just through his presence.  At the time, this was so profound for me that I had nightmares about it.  Nightmares are rare for me, and generally only occur when death is near me.  In that instance the death I was feeling was that of a babysitter, not mine, I did not need a sitter generally, and was offended when one was foisted on me.  Not being a fan of watching people die, and the effects it has on those who are left behind. My mother and I had moved out, in short order Stephanie, came home from school to find her sitter strangled. Likely if I had still been there I would have been with her, as we walked to and from school together.  This affinity for feeling the presence of death, yet not having to witness it's effects directly continues as a theme in my life. Almost a meet Joe Black kinda vibe, not that I equate myself with death, just that death is not my enemy, but a friend that accompanies me on my journey. Always ready to send me home if I become to distant from my core self.

    Watching it as I am now, was an entirely different experience, having lived the initiation being shown, and having taken it from a 3 that become one to a 7, and 13 that become one. I was struck almost dumb, as before my eyes, the basic blueprint for my existence was on display, In the film we watch as Tommy goes from a child, bewildered and overloaded by the new sensory data bombarding him, putting him the state of the deaf, dumb, and blind, or in other words, seen no evil, speak no evil, and hear no evil. During this portion Tommy is repeatedly abused, though the abuse is lost oh him, he is unaware of the meaning behind the events he subjected to.  Than we get to a point where he is taken to Gypsy the Acid queen, played by Tina Turner. In the movie it is portrayed as a sexual encounter. Which if you've ever experienced psychoactive chemicals the experience is so intimate, and the movie was made at the end of the free love hippy movement, that the representation is to be expected. When the LSD experiences have cleared the pathways, the fog lifts, and we are introduced to a fully realized Tommy. Who proceeds to go out into the world, and help everyone else become as he is, without having to go through the trauma that he endured.
    Don't start tripping, and project delusions of grandeur, those are your hang ups not mine. When I first opened up in the late 90's, someone I thought of as a friend devastated me by stating he felt I was on the way to becoming a cult leader. Odd from my perspective, as I am appalled by the idea anyone would desire to follow in my footsteps, and when I related my personal journey. It is always with the idea my life is not to be emulated, but seen as a cautionary tale. How I got from my conception to the fictional character I am today is not comfortable, or even desired.  It is simply what it took for me, what it will take for you is up to you.  When during my last LSD experience I received a message, that if I continued to take it, it would become detrimental, I stopped.  Within a couple of years I had also stopped smoking Mary Jane as well. What followed was a 10 year or so switch. Where I became acutely aware of the negative cultural view on my life.  This was completely at odds with how people interacted with me on a personal basis. Where almost everyone viewed me as being a well adjusted healthy individual.  Not only was "drug" use condemned, my entire childhood was outlawed, as being unfit. Naturally I accepted the judgment of those who presumably had more experience and wisdom than I.  This too was a part of the initiation, the moving into darkness, and through a death like experience where the world shuns, and is shunned in return.  That is the ego death, where we accept the world, and everyone in it will keep on spinning regardless of our presence.  I must say I was ready and desirous of death, not suicidal, just not so in love with life, or self anymore.  The I in me longs for nothing, other than dissolution of self, resolution of the conflict inherent in the structure of what we consider "reality".
dailymotion tommy-1975-film-pt-1_music
dailymotion tommy-1975-film-pt-2_music

Jack
aka
PanseyBard