Recently on www.quora.com I was asked a question that has me a little disturbed. It's not the question that got to me, it was my own answer. The question was pretty simple, when did I last do something fun, that left me with a fond feeling. What has me a little warped is that I had to admit to myself, that not only has been a very long time since I did something really fun. That it seems that most of what I had at one time considered fondly had lost it's shine. To be fair I never was caught up by what most people seem interested in. As example the idea of married, and kids seemed irresponsible before I even dropped out of high school. I wasn't so impressed with the world I found, so how could I do as society asked, get a job settle down, and have kids. I would be sentencing my own children to what I had already deemed a farce of freedom. So I skipped it all, all the major rights of passage of the modern US. From prom to hs graduation, college, marriage, children, all brushed off as not meaningful for my experience. What became meaningful was to explore the idea of creation itself, as I had already rejected so much of what seems fundamental to humans, pair bonding, and procreation, needed something to lend purpose. Not that I lacked relationships, just they were doomed from the start, as I could commit to the person, but was unwilling to do the family thing.
Life became about how I could get fucked up next, where was my next high going to come from. By my early 20's dealing as a regular part of making enough to cover expenses, as well as the free time to make doing drugs my go to. To be clear, I only sold stuff I was doing, so main pot, and lsd, occasional opium and mushrooms. During this time I studied, religious, magical, physics, anything that purported to explain reality, and why creation was, where humanity fit. Anything that could explain why. I learned tons, stuff that seems to apply across the spectrum of understanding. What I found about meaning and purpose seems to be the same as every other sage, or seeker who has come before. This isn't the place. That this is the only place, what is, is, and always was. The forms may change, the energies shift, but there really isn't a purpose to life. That life is the purpose of life, and it only has meaning in relation to itself. I found that what life has to offer is sensation, that meaning is contextual and absolutes have no place here. That the things people value, and sacrifice seem to be inverted. Instead of our advancement freeing us to be more humane, to be more oriented toward life, toward home, and family. Had been turned to enslave us more to systems that serve themselves, and chew life up, and consume it without a thought. The more I found the less connected I felt, not to humanity, but to the ideas put forward by the cultural I grew up in. I've found I never really had a place in the world I grew up in.
I found that while being alive wasn't an issue, I had no desires for any of it. My day to day became going through the motions, pretending I was living for free time. While filling that time with escapist pursuits, books, video games, movies. This over consumption of media just reinforced what I had already learned, we've been stuck in loops. We are playing out dramas right out our oldest stories, that 13 base stories make up our drama, and I wasn't interested in any of them. That while there was only love for everyone, I wished to have never been. Not suicidal as that seems to not help, once you are, you are. So here I am, another year just starting, the world seemingly trying to recover from it's past. While I just wanna get through it, wishing I never was.
Life became about how I could get fucked up next, where was my next high going to come from. By my early 20's dealing as a regular part of making enough to cover expenses, as well as the free time to make doing drugs my go to. To be clear, I only sold stuff I was doing, so main pot, and lsd, occasional opium and mushrooms. During this time I studied, religious, magical, physics, anything that purported to explain reality, and why creation was, where humanity fit. Anything that could explain why. I learned tons, stuff that seems to apply across the spectrum of understanding. What I found about meaning and purpose seems to be the same as every other sage, or seeker who has come before. This isn't the place. That this is the only place, what is, is, and always was. The forms may change, the energies shift, but there really isn't a purpose to life. That life is the purpose of life, and it only has meaning in relation to itself. I found that what life has to offer is sensation, that meaning is contextual and absolutes have no place here. That the things people value, and sacrifice seem to be inverted. Instead of our advancement freeing us to be more humane, to be more oriented toward life, toward home, and family. Had been turned to enslave us more to systems that serve themselves, and chew life up, and consume it without a thought. The more I found the less connected I felt, not to humanity, but to the ideas put forward by the cultural I grew up in. I've found I never really had a place in the world I grew up in.
I found that while being alive wasn't an issue, I had no desires for any of it. My day to day became going through the motions, pretending I was living for free time. While filling that time with escapist pursuits, books, video games, movies. This over consumption of media just reinforced what I had already learned, we've been stuck in loops. We are playing out dramas right out our oldest stories, that 13 base stories make up our drama, and I wasn't interested in any of them. That while there was only love for everyone, I wished to have never been. Not suicidal as that seems to not help, once you are, you are. So here I am, another year just starting, the world seemingly trying to recover from it's past. While I just wanna get through it, wishing I never was.
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