This was me on a visit to Mom's in my mid 30's. A fairly typical example of a person comfortable
with who they are. Fast forward a little over 10 years, and I hardly recognize myself as having been that guy. The transition from active participant in the experience of life, to a reclusive observer of life. Was as gradual as it was inevitable, my own decisions leading inexorably to my personal oubliette. As is the usual circumstance, when looking back. The many opportunities to change directions are as obvious, as they are useless in my current experience. Oft times serving as a rather depressing reminder that my current circumstance is wholly my doing. That hard truth might just be toughest aspect to accept, and forgive. Of course that forgiveness of self is high touted as essential in moving past perceived personal failings. Perhaps that combined with that odd desire to pick at a healing wound is the prompting to write this. So whats put the hitch in my giddy up? In a single word, teeth.
Just over a year ago, what remained of my rotted, broken top teeth were removed. As this pic
clearly shows, something needed to be done. Infections in my gums were a normal occurrence. I could count on the pain, and discomfort being bad enough to completely sideline me for days at a time. By this point the shame had already stopped me from smiling. I had learned to hide my top teeth from view in the course of casual interaction. Most people were only to happy to play along and pretend they didn't notice, with only children being honest to ask questions that made everyone uncomfortable. So by the time of this pic, my choices were already pretty limited. Keep the teeth, and be sick, and possibly kill myself through inaction. Or lose the teeth, and get physically healthy. At this point, I'd have to reserve judgement on the benefit, or detriment of my choice.
When so many are so happy to get dentures, or implants, some of you might be saying something to effect of "suck it up girly pants", or perhaps "get over it already". In honesty, there may be some validity to that type of perspective. This is such an obvious get over yourself kind of thing, that even being in it. I am unable to discount the sentiment. It is this sentiment bumping up against ideas of quality of life being of more import, than just being alive. When I ask myself having experienced using a top plate denture, is the quality of life granted by this prosthetic enough. In all honesty no, not for me. At 46 having experienced 7 or so months of life with dentures. I found I could not project a future with dentures I had any desire to experience. So looking at alternatives, there is of course implants. I'd guess in large part these would be a workable patch, once a couple of hurdles were overcome. Namely they are prohibitively expensive, and far outside my current circumstance. Getting my teeth extracted, and the dentures already has soaked up almost 7k off someone elses currency. Thank you to my Mom, and Stepfather are in order on that count. Even with the expense there are other considerations that give pause in regards to implants. It's the state of development of being able to induce natural tooth regrowth. Researchers have already regrown full teeth in rats using stem cells, and laser treatments. Knowing how close this is, perhaps 5 to 10 years out, perhaps even less. All manor of other thoughts bounce around. If I could get implants, knowing they are already obsolete are they are valid choice. Would getting implants complicate regrowing the teeth when it becomes the mainstream.
This combination of being a little to late to accept what many still few as perfectly workable solution. A little early to take advantage of what will become the obvious norm. And me in a wait while loop, of my own devising. Scrambling around to maintain enough currency flowing through while limiting social interaction to only what is required. Generally if I do not have to leave the house I won't. After having at least part-time employment for almost all of my adult life. I now scramble to even keep up with basic living expenses. Thanks to my housemate for helping me out when I got behind. While it may often be my own projection reflected back at me. The effect is the same, an almost complete rejection of social interaction. This overwhelming self consciousness is due in large part to knowing, I am responsible for it. Through what has been dubbed mountain dew mouth, though I did mine much slower mainly with cola's. And even though by the time any problems showed, the insides of my teeth were already rotted. It was my own addictive style abuse of soda, I mean I did get to a point of 2 liters a day or more for years on end. So while the physical aspects are enough to make most a bit self conscious. The shame and guilt I feel at being the cause might be even worse. Leaving me a virtual recluse, waiting for the breakthrough I know has already been made to save me from my own trap.
Jack
aka
PanseyBard
Just over a year ago, what remained of my rotted, broken top teeth were removed. As this pic
When so many are so happy to get dentures, or implants, some of you might be saying something to effect of "suck it up girly pants", or perhaps "get over it already". In honesty, there may be some validity to that type of perspective. This is such an obvious get over yourself kind of thing, that even being in it. I am unable to discount the sentiment. It is this sentiment bumping up against ideas of quality of life being of more import, than just being alive. When I ask myself having experienced using a top plate denture, is the quality of life granted by this prosthetic enough. In all honesty no, not for me. At 46 having experienced 7 or so months of life with dentures. I found I could not project a future with dentures I had any desire to experience. So looking at alternatives, there is of course implants. I'd guess in large part these would be a workable patch, once a couple of hurdles were overcome. Namely they are prohibitively expensive, and far outside my current circumstance. Getting my teeth extracted, and the dentures already has soaked up almost 7k off someone elses currency. Thank you to my Mom, and Stepfather are in order on that count. Even with the expense there are other considerations that give pause in regards to implants. It's the state of development of being able to induce natural tooth regrowth. Researchers have already regrown full teeth in rats using stem cells, and laser treatments. Knowing how close this is, perhaps 5 to 10 years out, perhaps even less. All manor of other thoughts bounce around. If I could get implants, knowing they are already obsolete are they are valid choice. Would getting implants complicate regrowing the teeth when it becomes the mainstream.
This combination of being a little to late to accept what many still few as perfectly workable solution. A little early to take advantage of what will become the obvious norm. And me in a wait while loop, of my own devising. Scrambling around to maintain enough currency flowing through while limiting social interaction to only what is required. Generally if I do not have to leave the house I won't. After having at least part-time employment for almost all of my adult life. I now scramble to even keep up with basic living expenses. Thanks to my housemate for helping me out when I got behind. While it may often be my own projection reflected back at me. The effect is the same, an almost complete rejection of social interaction. This overwhelming self consciousness is due in large part to knowing, I am responsible for it. Through what has been dubbed mountain dew mouth, though I did mine much slower mainly with cola's. And even though by the time any problems showed, the insides of my teeth were already rotted. It was my own addictive style abuse of soda, I mean I did get to a point of 2 liters a day or more for years on end. So while the physical aspects are enough to make most a bit self conscious. The shame and guilt I feel at being the cause might be even worse. Leaving me a virtual recluse, waiting for the breakthrough I know has already been made to save me from my own trap.
Jack
aka
PanseyBard
No comments:
Post a Comment